35 Thoughts I Had Watching the Great British Bake Off - Series 11 Episode 3

 This week was Bread Week. No wonder I'm feeling like an absolute loaf. 🍞

In case you've forgotten what went on before we encounter week numero four, here's a bullet-point summary with a fine dusting of witty jokes over it.

1. It's tiiiiiime to bake some fliiiiiippin' bread, oh yeaaaaaaah. I must confess: I have never made bread in my life. Not even in lockdown. I refuse. I am defying the status quo, the contemporary hipster Western social norm of desperately churning out sourdough. Once I tasted Tiger bread from the supermarket aged 5 I knew I could never reach those heights.
2. As if the word 'bread' wasn't a scary enough request, the bakers are starting off with the task of making 'soda bread'. Specifically, one sweet and one savoury.
3. Mark with a 'K' is making sausage and stout soda breads. Interesting. Particularly because, at the time of writing, I am currently eating sausage and it's confusing my brain as to whether this bread idea appeals to me. There's too much sausage in the air.
4. Linda is opting for cheese, chilli and coriander for her savoury soda bread, which sounds awesome. I am in fact one of those humans that likes coriander (in moderation).
5. I swear it has been five minutes, and already Marc with a 'C' has buttermilk all  over:
• his face
• his bench
• the floor
• his shirt
• his hair
• his ears 
• pretty much everything.
6. Hermine is combining smoked salmon and gruyere cheese – a classic. 
7. Peter is using ginger beer to flavour his sweet soda bread. Yes please, get in my belly.
8. Are Peter and his brother Andrew twins? They look very similar.
9. Bake Off has been around for more than HALF of Peter's life. Holy moly.
10. Dave is also adding gruyere cheese, but he's going for bacon instead of salmon.  I don't know why, but something tells me that might be a safer bet. Maybe because I think of sourdough as crusty and chewy, and bacon would make a great crispy partner. 🥓
11. Linda is being very cute and adding Mak's (last week's departed baker) honey to her bake. Luv u, Linda. 🍯
12. Noel's look is giving me LIFE. Shades, leather jacket, cool black shirt with white illustrations on it. Yees.
13. Agh! A chunk of Peter's bread just fell off. He could just borrow some of Mak's honey from Linda to glue it back on. Yeah. Solid plan.
14. Judging tiiiiiiiiiime. Laura's soda breads look gorgeous, but they're a bit too much like playdough. They needed more time to bake.
15. Paul and Prue are l-o-v-ing the salmon Hermine added to her savoury bread. SO much so that it's HANDSHAKE TIME! Ohhh yeah. Paul ain't holding back anymore. Turns out she also made some bangin' sweet bread with fruit that she'd soaked for weeks. I wasn't sure if that much dedication was even allowed?! What a queen.
16. [Insert Technical Time jingle here.] Six rainbow bagels! Now this is something I'd like to be able to whip up at short notice. Instant mood lifter. Yes, exactly Prue! "Happy bread." 🌈
    
17. Sura is making me nervous because she's wearing a long-sleeved pale top, and she's kneading the food colouring into the dough with her sleeves getting in the waaaaay.
    
18. All the bakers' hands are looking like my hands after I dye my hair without gloves on, ie every time.
19. Hermine is my new favourite baker.
20. I've just realised that this is perhaps the most current television I've watched for ages, as it has actually been filmed during COVID times/lockdown. Five minutes left!
21. Dave has done surprisingly shit. *
22. I love Peter, but my love for him has unfortunately not managed to go back in time and save him from his overproofed, flat bagels.
23. Lottie has got some major self disappointment going on. She doesn't look chuffed with hers.
24. I think Marc with a 'C' has the best bagels overall. Maybe he'll win the challenge?
25. * Confirmed! Dave has come second-to-last, while Rowan took last place. In third is Mark with a 'K', second is Marc with a 'C'... and MY LADY LINDA HAS COME FIRST! YES LINDA!
26. If things weren't random and complicated enough, today's Showstopper Challenge is a 'large decorative bread plaque' to illustrate the thing that the bakers are most grateful for.
27. I feel like, in these types of challenges, you have to lie a little bit. Because if the thing you're most grateful for is  – I dunno – wisdom, or something really vague or complicated, you don't wanna do that. So I feel like some people will 'dumb it down' a bit and go for something like 'My Favourite HAT'. 'The Earth'. 'Books'.
28. Hermine is going to make a brioche with focaccia. All of the breads. It sounds really good, but it doesn't sound like she'll have enough time. She's relying on blasting it in the freezer, instead of the usual cooling overnight method, which is a bit risky, surely.
29. Laura and Matt are going to take Paul to the theatre apparently. Fun fact: I have seen two shows in the West End – Wicked and The Sound of Music. Wicked was on a school trip to London, and I remember seeing that Matt from Busted was in the cast and I was more excited about that than anything else that day. The musical overall was great but my experience was totally overshadowed by his majestic presence.
30. Rowan is using pre-soaked pear. I don't know what it has been soaked in, but it sounds good to me. Hopefully not something like brine. Hopefully something like honey instead.
31. My voice recording method failed me so I don't know what I thought in the last bit leading up to Judgment Time, but let's pretend it was genius and chuckle-worthy.
32. Rowan's big tree creation was okay but overall needed more proving and more salt. I think it looks good! Especially compared to when he made the tiny waistcoat biscuits. Maybe he just needs a bigger canvas. 🎨
33. Marc with a 'C' and Sura are contenders for Star Baker this week according to the little judges/presenter chat.
34. Time to find out! Star Baker iiiiiiiis.... Marc E! Who is Marc with a 'C'. Yaaaaaaaay.
35. And going home is... Rowan. He should've gone last week in my opinion, but from what he made this week, I feel like he could've improved a lot if he'd been given a few more chances. Ah well.  Until next time!