75 Thoughts I Had Watching the Great British Bake Off - Series 11 Episode 1

Bake Off is back. My blog is back because Bake Off is back. CAN I GET A HECC YEAH FOR 2020 – oh wait it's still a total disaster?! Of course it is. But I hope this stint of me getting back into typing my thoughts out about a baking show and Noel Fielding's shirts within it helps as some sort of medicine.

Here's a very attractive gif to celebrate.

As a petit disclaimer, I didn't do a Bake Off blog in 2019. And if I have to think of an excuse, I think it was because I'd just started a new job and thought I'd give myself a bit of a break. We all need a rest from typing/screens every so often, and so last year I just revelled in the baking loveliness without thinking too much.

But it's 2020 now. There are many thoughts flying around the universe and not enough of them are about baking, so I'M BACK, BRIOCHES.

The story begins on 22 September 2020, after a briefing from some blond guy...

1. Okay. What was that?!  Potentially the best opening to a show ever? We just watched the 'Prime Minister' addressing the nation about COVID and, erm, they nailed it.
2. For some reason, I assumed that Bake Off was filmed last year when there wasn't Coronavirus, but apparently not cos they're all in a little bubble. It's quite sweet that they've actually dedicated themselves to doing that.
3. Theme tune time. I've just realised I've got to learn everyone's names and I didn't do enough revision pre-viewing.
4. Matt Lucas is going full Humpty Dumpty with his egg head and spotty shirt.
5. Okay, the first challenge is to make a Battenberg cake. And then when you cut it open it needs to reveal a design... as if Battenberg wasn't difficult enough.
6. If I'm being honest, I wasn't sure about Matt Lucas' new presenter spot, but already his narration is quite calming. I have therefore accepted this as reality.
7. Loriea, a radiographer, is making a bubblegum Battenberg with artificial flavouring (of course). Paul doesn't seem very chuffed about it, but I'm not sure how else you would get bubblegum flavouring. Maybe he just loathes bubblegum. IT'S A BRIGHT BLUE CAKE, PAUL. HOW COULD YOU NOT WANT THIS. I need it. I get out of self-isolation tomorrow so maybe I'll treat myself with a Battenberg. What if they're all sold out?!
8. Laura, who doesn't like Battenberg but is crafting a raspberry and coconut one,  has a fish tank in her garden with giant fish. Very cool.
9. Lottie (aka the baker with piercing eyes and quite a lot of eyeliner) is a pantomime producer and does yoga. I can vibe with this person. She's like a Southern version of Jessy Barden.  Anyway, Lottie is going for rhubarb and custard, a solid choice.
10. Dave is a security guard, so I don't want to get on his bad side but he did just say "expresso martini". It's ESPRESSO please, Dave. Thank you.
11. I wonder how many times he's going to say "expresso". I really don't think I'll be able to deal with it more than once.
12. One of the Marks (Marc with a 'c') has a very cute dog and is making a sour cherry, chocolate and walnut Battenberg which sounds kind of good but also just reminds me of Black Forest Gateau straight away which I'm not a top fan of.
13. I've been listening to Sleep Stories on the Calm app (shout out to Cillian Murphy's one about Ireland) and listening to Noel commentate then just made me think it would be really nice for him to do one. Maybe I should tweet him about it.
14. There's a young guy called Peter with a bright orangey-red shirt. He's an Accountancy student. Nice. What's even nicer is he's making a gluten-free bake because his brother is gluten intolerant. What's even nicer than that is he has a Scottish accent.
15. Ohhhhhh no. There's an overflowing cake from Sura. But it's okay because she WALKS HER CAT. She's making an orange and lemon Battenberg which sounds very refreshing and will look very cute because she's going to add marzipan fruits on top. I'm a bit worried for her though as she seems quite flustered.
16. Second Mark is here. He's making what sounds like the best Battenberg, with pistachio and orange and cardamom. This is the Mark with the red jazzy shirt, which Noel I imagine is admiring.
17. Noel's shirt is currently a pineapple with circles cut out of it. It's way more complex than that, but that's the best my brain can do right now.
18. We're now with Red Glasses Cord Man, who seems like a very spiritual and dramatic guy. He's trying to build a Battenberg temple. If he manages to construct this, it'll look good, but I'm confused just looking at the design.
19. I've just discovered his name is Rowan. Rowan with the Red Cord.
20. We've got a Linda, who lives near the beach. She's making a Battenberg in the shape of an ambulance as a tribute to her cousin. With raspberry buttercream... oh my god I'm so hungry.
21. Mak is making an East Indian Battenberg. Why do I feel like several mums and grandmas watching are going to have a crush on Mak?
22. Rowan has gone absolutely insane for this first episode in terms of cake design. He's brought a box with levels in that he's trying to shape his cake to. It seems waaaaaaay over the top for episode one.
23. Oh no. Not only has Rowan got a ridiculous structure he has to build, but he's not fully cooked the cake. He's trying to resolve it in the microwave. Is that a thing? Don't microwaves make things gooier?!
24. Ah but then there are mug cakes.
25. OH NO. Rowan says the temple might have to go. What is he going to have if he doesn't have the temple? Just some weirdly-coloured lines of cake and no theme?! GOD FORBID.
26. Lottie and Noel are gonna be buds.
27. Sura's bake looks really cool. Rowan's has evolved into a kind of unicorn cake with a tiny baguette on top of it.
28. We're back after the break, and it's time for me to do a half-arsed review of the results because I've already missed a few while reading tweets about Bake Off by Innocent Smoothies.
29. Paul isn't chuffed with Laura's plain sponge. She needed to jazz it up.
30. Linda's attempt at an ambulance looks a bit like a beige bus as she didn't manage to get the green and yellow stripes on the side.
31. Loriea has overdone it on the bubblegum flavouring, and the cake is dry. Nooooooo.
32. Ooooooh Lottie has put her bake in a giant sweet wrapper. That's pretty cool.
33. The magic-flute-unicorn-baguette by Rowan is up. He claims it's a 'deconstructed temple'. Rowan, no.
    
    
    
    
    
34. Sura has pleased the judges, despite Paul listing good things like he was about to say something bad at the end.
35. Time for the Technical now! Six miniature pineapple upside-down cakes, where each cake has one pineapple ring. I wonder if this is harder or easier than making one giant cake.
36. One of the Marks has a voice that sounds a bit like James Acaster's.
37. Noel is trying to encourage the bakers to be kitchen nightmares. Noel Fielding's Kitchen Nightmares. 
38. God, I really want a SMEG fridge. Our fridge is just white and dull. I want my fridge to be green. Be right back, let me just make a couple of thousand pounds and replace the fridge.
39. OH, MAMA. Right before the break, Sura knocked Expresso Man's cakes onto the floor, just before he put them down on the judging table. Absolute nightmare. Noel's dream is coming alive.
    
    
    
    
    
40. It's judging time. I feel like they've seen the disaster buns as they've gone to the other end of the table first.
41. Thumbs up for Lottie and Rowan. Mak's are a little bit doughy. Laura's has some overpowering caramel.
42. Peter looks like what I expect Christopher Robin to look like in real life.
43. Sura is probably feeling really guilty because hers have done really well. But Expresso Man's are okay as he had one left standing to be judged. Lucky Dave. OOOOH SURA GOT FIRST PLACE, WHAT! She's not even celebrating, out of guilt!
44. It must be so strange to go from being locked down with your family to being locked down in a competition with twenty strangers, four presenters, and some production crew.
45. Part of me is a massive introvert, but I would like to be able to hang out with that many cool people.
46. The Showstopper now. The challenge is to make a cake bust of a celebrity hero. I don't know who I would pick... I mean my instant thought is Amy Winehouse, but that's just making life hard for myself because she's got extremely tall hair. I might as well go for Marge Simpson at that rate. 
47. But then again, you want it to be recognisable because otherwise you'll get penalised if it doesn't look like the person...
48. Someone has gone for Ziggy Stardust, while another has gone for Bob Marley – a blue, green and yellow version that reminds me of Handsome Squidward.
    
49. Laura has chosen Freddie Mercury, which is pretty cool. Apparently, when she did a test run, his head exploded. Very reassuring.
50. I've never heard of Miss Lou but she sounds like a very cool lady.
51. Sura is making David Attenborough, and someone else is making Charles Darwin. A theme!
52. Lottie has a pencil behind her ear, which either means she's extremely annoying or overwhelmingly cool, and I feel like it's the second option.
53. Even though I have cake mix in, I still haven't bothered to actually make a cake to watch Bake Off with. It literally just requires water and oil. I'm having a hot chocolate right now though so that is some sort of effort, maybe.
54. Loriea will be using ginger and mango jam which sounds amaaaazing.
55. Peter is making a Chris Hoy cake, so he can avoid recreating both hair and eyes. Clever.
56. Oh woooooow. Hermine is going to make Lupita  Nyong'o. If she pulls this off that'll be one beautiful cake.
57. Is it bad that I don't know who Bill Bryson is?
58. One hour to gooooooooo. It's getting stressful now. OH NO ONE OF THEM HAS ROLLED OFF. IT'S FREDDIE MERCURY'S HEAD.
59. Chris Hoy has a bit of a small head. David Attenborough's got a MASSIVE head. It's kind of like a caricature.
60. Bob Marley (Handsome Squidward) is looking alright. Freddie Mercury is looking quite cool and goofy but Laura's just got her hands on her head and she's not doing anything. A mood.
61. BLESS YOU, PETER. He's offering to help people.
62. Freddie Mercury has a bit of a hunch now.
    
    
    
    
    
63. OH NO. DAVID ATTENBOROUGH COLLAPSED (not in real life, I repeat not in real life). What is happening with Sura? I feel like she's got some cursed energy for this first episode.
64. Rowan has made this ridiculously good cake bust but he promised choux buns and he hasn't delivered. Paul is not impressed.
65. I hadn't picked up that Lottie is making a Louis Theroux cake. A winner in my eyes, but apparently he's overbaked. And Bill Bryson is too dry. 
66. Handsome Squidward aka Bob Marley hasn't ended up with any facial features apart from a nose. Apparently, he's very tasty though.
    
    
    
    
    
67. Peter/Chris Hoy has SMASHED it. I can sense Paul is trying not to give out a Hollywood Handshake too early. He resists.
68. We have a mint and strawberry Tom  DeLonge from Expresso Dave, which tastes a bit like toothpaste apparently. Hmm.
69. Lupita does not look like Lupita. Oh dear. But Hermine has made the most beautiful edible shirt I've ever seen. It looks so real.
    
    
    
    
    
70. Darwin has gone down well, while Miss Lou looks a bit more like E.T. than herself. She's also way too spicy for Paul and Prue's liking.
71. Now we're onto Sura's David Attenborough, having a nap on a roll of something after collapsing earlier. Thumbs up from the judges.
72. They love Laura's cake too! I now have no idea who they're going to send home. Maybe it's Linda, but I like Linda. I wonder if it'll be one of the Marks because there are way too many currently to keep track of.
73. Time for Matt Lucas to announce Star Baker. I assume it's Peter. Yaaaaaay, it is! Christopher Robiiiiiiiin. 
74. And going home iissssss.... Loriea?! Oh noooooo. What?! I thought she did okay-ish?
75. Okay, Rowan totally has a crush on Peter. And next week is Biscuit Week.