It's time. Game of Thrones is officially saying adieu to our screens, au revoir to our Monday mornings at 2am (that's if you're reading this in the UK, and you're motivated enough to stay up that late), and finally fonas chek (which I am told means 'goodbye' in Dothraki). For those of you who have read my reviews of The Great British Bake Off, I'll be typing my thoughts in a similar chronological fashion, but probably in paragraph format because this isn't scones, tarts and soufflés. This is dragons, fire, death, castles, ships, dusty faces, and potentially an even more horrific (lack of) appreciation of the importance of character development. Let's get going, shall we. (It goes without saying that this blog post contains spoilers).
The episode kicks off with Tyrion walking at the speed of a hungover fresher on a university campus trudging to the shop to buy some milk, that they're not even sure they need. We now see Greyworm, naturally maintaining a strong loyalty to his Queen, Daenerys, who in the last episode we saw go absolutely bonkers and blast dragon fire at innocent people like there was no tomorrow.
Fast forward to hungover, milk-seeking Tyrion now trudging over some concrete. Oh wait, he's found Jaime's hand! And his face. Next to Cersei's face. After some rather unconvincing crying, Tyrion slams some rock onto some more rock and then cries a bit more. Okay.
Hello, Arya. Hello, Jon. It seems that Jon is also going to buy some milk. If the road to the shop selling milk was lined with speared guards and the doorman of the shop was a guy called Greyworm whose boss was a mad, murderous platinum blonde lady.
That's right, Daenerys. Drape your flag over the wall and yell. YOU GOT IT, GURL. "The war is not over". Yeah, this does not feel like it's going to end well. I think Arya agrees with me judging by her expression.
:o :o :o TYRION HAS THROWN HIS DAENERYS BADGE ONTO THE FLOOR! How on earth can the army see that he's just done that?! Are there some giant screens like it's Wembley Arena or something?! Anyway, if Jon walks away from her now, maybe she'll realise she's an arse. Excuse my Dothraki.
"She's everyone's queen, now." "Try telling Sansa." OOOOOH. I completely forgot that Sansa is still floating around.
[Break numero uno]
It's interesting to watch Jon trying to justify Dany's actions.
I zoned out a bit (not a great sign) - we're now at the point where Dany looks like she's about to get her mitts on the Iron Throne, accompanied by some weird music and mad eyes. Here comes Jon, hopefully 'bout to cause some eMoTiOnAL tUrMoiL. Dany is such a joker - "I know what's good" - hahahahaha. "We break the wheel together" - vomit, vomit, EURGH NOOOO STOP KISSING HER JON... Oh my god. What the F***. HE FLIPPING STABBED HER!!! WHAT THE HECK!!! Get off that flipping ledge, Jon, there's a dragon comin'. And I can't tell if it knows you did it.
The dragon is now melting the Iron Throne. It is turning into lava. Going, going, gone. So that's it then?!
[Break numero dos]
We are now on a stage-type thingy, with Arya, Sansa, Yara, Greyworm, Tyrion, the Onion Knight, Brienne, Bran, and that dude who Arya got with (plus a few others). I'm not really sure how they all got wherever they are, or how they knew to go there. Ooooh, we've got one of the Senior Lords in the country talking. Who apparently doesn't like being told to shut up. Aha, they're voting on who they think should rule the seven kingdoms. Before Tyrion casts his vote, he's naturally going to potter around doing a speech. He's picking Bran. Now there's a very cheesy succession of 'Aye's. Or 'I's. Not from Sansa though - she's deeming the North an independent land. "Bran the Broken", what a title. I'd also like to add that it seems like Greyworm has found out about the Jon-Dany stabby-stabby and I have absolutely no idea how.
[Break numero tres]
That break was really hard; there was a pizza advert. I am now very hungry. They're off to Naath. Maybe Greyworm will remember that Missandei would have wanted him to be an actually decent dude. Arya gives so little hoots about this whole thing that she's going off the grid. A true sign of how cheesy this all this.
STARK SYMBOLISM! Arya, Sansa and Bran all watching Jon hop into a lil' boat.
Brienne is now being cute and writing the story of Jaime's life. If only he'd not been a total buffoon and gone running to Cersei. Who, by the way, died way too easily having been such a hardarse ('scuse my Dothraki again).
Now we're in a room with the Onion Knight (also known as Ser Davos), Tyrion, Bronn and Sam. Sam has predictably written A Song of Ice & Fire. This part of the episode is also very slow-moving. Sansa, Arya and Jon are all walking somewhere. Arya seems to be on a ship, and Sansa in a church. Everyone is bowing down to Sansa. WAIT. THERE'S FLIPPING DIREWOLF INTERACTION. Okay, so they gave us like three seconds of it. Nice one, lads.
Got it. Sansa is now the Queen of the North. Not a bad title, if I do say so myself.
Well! We're in the last minute now. And I have to say that I used to feel a lot more connected to, invested in and excited about Game of Thrones until this season. It feels like a lot of people feel similarly, and whilst the petition to remake the series does seem a bit ridiculous and far-fetched, I can't help but feel that it could have had much, much better storytelling. It's almost like it was written first as a series of books or something.
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