53 Thoughts I Had Watching the Great British Bake Off - Series 9 Episode 5

Bonjour, baking-loving friends. I've been avoiding rumours about this episode like the plague, and now I'm about to watch it I'm slightly on edge. Luckily I'm calming myself with a praline Magnum (not sponsored obviously, just in love with them) & my fourth cuppa of the day. Here goes!

1. I wonder why the UK's overall fashion sense isn't bursting with wild patterns yet. Bake Off's garms do not reflect the wider population. It's almost as if most people don't watch this baking competition TV show to pick up fashion advice - pfft.
2. So there's still nine bakers left after Terry's illness in the last episode. Yet again, the tent is set in some beautiful sunny grounds in the middle of the countryside and yet again I wish I was lying on that grass with a G&T and a picnic.
3. LET SPICE WEEK COMMENCE! Hope things don't get too hot in the tent. Or too chili I'm here all season.
4. "Lost in spice". Okay, Sandi has already beaten me on the pun game.
5. Challenge uno - a ginger cake suitable for a "family tea time". Fantabulous.
6. Mmm, a honey and apricot ginger cake with honeycomb from Briony. Paul's freaking out as she's just using ginger in the cake and nowhere else. In other words, Paul needs to calm down.
7. Manon suddenly has bubblegum pink hair and I LOVE IT. TRES CHIC.
   
8. Dan's using lemon and ginger, a classic cold remedy. I'm sure that's what he's going for.
9. Phwooooooar. Rahul is making a bonfire-inspired cake with caramel bits and bobs. Can we invent smell-o-vision already? Or better yet, taste-o-vision?
10. It's Rum time for Ruby. She's taking the opposite approach to Briony and using ginger practically everywhere so it (hopefully) definitely comes through.
11. Manon keeping it real having not practiced because work was busy. P-r-e-a-c-h sistah.
12. Karen's getting boozy too, with brandy completely replacing milk in her batter.
13. Erm. Okay. Has Dan accidentally made... cheese did he just say?!
14. Dan, nooooo, don't lose your dark horse flame. Arrrgh he's having to start again. Would you brie-lieve it?
15. TERRY! Terry is back with a bang, aka a pear and ginger cake. Sounds scrumptious.
16. As Sandi is handily telling us, more time in heat = less ginger flavour in the end. I did not know this.
17. Hooray! Kim-Joy is also going for pears, as well as a salted caramel drizzle and a little gingerbread house on top. Cute (as expected).
18. There is ALWAYS time for a cuppa, as John is proving here in this here episode. Let us learn from this, children. Always. Time. For. A Cuppa.
    
19. Seriously digging Manon's hair. What's French for bubblegum again?
20. Bubble-gum. Okay, cool. Time for an ad break.
21. And now the judging. John won Prue over with his golden balls.
    
22. TOO MUCH BOOZE?! Wow okay. Maybe Karen took it too far... somehow.
23. Ruby has done well with this first challenge, and Rahul with his stem ginger got a cheeky HH (Hollywood Handshake of course). Erm, he's apologising because Paul said it's "too good" - Rahul, STOP.
24. Apricot and ginger not working in Briony's bake, while Terry's trundling along. Meanwhile, Kim-Joy has made a cute-as-heck gingerbread house and a g-o-r-geous cake. HH! Yesssss Kim-Joy. I think that's her first.
25. Here's Dan now. Eeeesh not good.
26. Blummin'ell Paul... Three handshakes in one challenge! Keep your... gloves on! Manon got that third one.
27. Now it's time for the Technical: 2 batches of 6... maamoul. Those are Middle Eastern pastries, and bakers have to make 1 walnut batch & the other filled with date paste.
28. "Mastic" resin is involved. Don't mind me, just trying to work out what the heck Paul is saying.
29. Rosewater and cinnamon are also involved. Count me in. And cardamom, hellooooooooo.
30. Oookay. I think Karen has got the shapes mixed up. Not sure how fussy the judges will be about that. Maybe if they taste great she'll be forgiven.
31. Manon has just blown icing sugar across her pastries - surely ce n'est pas hygiénique.
    
32. Turns out Terry wacked his temperature up too high and the oils inside his bake(s) melted. Oops.
33. Seems like Rahul will get the top spot (I think). Kim-Joy, Ruby and Dan are all positive too.
34. In last/ninth place is Karen. Karen don't you dare leave my life. Don't you DARE.
35. Kim-Joy in fourth, third is Rahul, second is Dan aaaaaaaaand Ruby smashed the Technical!
36. Struggling to fight the feeling that Karen is going out now. Especially because it's likely that two people are leaving this week.
37. Paul the handshake-keen lad in blue (who apparently Sandi & Noel are now crushing on) says Karen, Terry and Briony are in the red zone. The bad heading-for-home zone.
38. The Showstopper is a "spiced biscuit chandelier". Casual. Standard.
39. Where are they going to hang them from?!
40. Lots of cinnamon going on. Karen is using liquorice (blegh).
    
41. Oooooh, Manon is making an art deco-style chandelier. With chocolate and tonka bean flavours. Sounds rather cool, doesn't it.
42. Oooooh. Another "oooooh", sorry. Briony is crafting a turmeric latté chandelier.
43. Rahul, are trying to break yourself? 150 biscuits and the most beautiful proposed biscuit chandelier illustration, possibly of all time? This boy likes piling pressure onto his own shoulders. And then saying sorry repeatedly when he absolutely aces pretty much everything.
44. Dan's got some beautiful butterflies.
45. Pretty sure people keep saying "cardamon" instead of "cardamom". Bonjour je suis the spelling police.
46. Let the chandelier construction begin! Kim-Joy is impressively calm right now. Everyone else has been rather audibly freaking out.
47. Time for the dreaded judgment bit... thing. Paul is impressed with how Manon's looks but the taste isn't strong enough. Same with Dan's.
48. Ruby's looks beautiful, like a peacock chandelier. Tastes alright too.
49. Rahul has made a rather gorgeous thing with, yes, 150 biscuits. Paul loves it. And what he needed, Paul, was more time, not your disapproval of anything that's not sheer perfection, m8.
50. Here's Kim-Joy. "Exquisite!" Very well-deserved praise.
51. Since Prue isn't here, it's just Paul who has to decide which two people are going home. And he's made it clear that he doesn't want Noel or Sandi's contributions.
52. KIM-JOY WINS STAR BAKER! Awwww. I'm so happy.
53. The two people leaving the tent are... Karen and Terry. The right decision(s), but bless them both. Such lovely humans.

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