68 Thoughts I Had Watching GBBO - Series 9 Episode 1

It has come to that time of year again when it's socially acceptable to talk to cake (I think).

Bake Off is here, MES PETITES BRIOCHES!
That is particularly relevant this season as there's a French contestant. I have no idea what her name is yet but that's one of a billion mysteries to be uncovered.
The first challenge of the season: 24 regional biscuits, specific to a town/region in Britain (says Sandi). UNIFORM AND IDENTICAL, MES COPAINS.
I've realised how much of an excuse this is to get my French out. Excuse my French.
Can I say that Prue is looking w-i-l-d & utterly jazzy today.
1st up: Briony is making apple cider biscuits. Yum. Sounds like excellent festival snacc material.
Now it's lemon... something. By a guy called Dan whose son Barnaby wears a hat that looks like a strawberry. Excellent.
Noel's shirt today is really something to behold.
French lady is called Manon. She lives in London and is making hazelnut shortbread with clotted cream that she's quite passionate about.
Ruby is making masala chai 'Devon Flats'. This gal is stylin' AND she boxes. Might be a baking queen too, who knows.
Rahul the nuclear scientist is making a fennel and coconut 'bannock' and is partial to a thick burgundy turtleneck jumper. He may be the resident cutie of the season.
Imelda's going for an oaty cherry concoction. Sounds delicious.
AND HERE'S THE REAL CONTESTANT. Luke from Sheffield, Yorkshire (winning county, just saying) is making ginger nuts with lime.
Antony is making biscuits that look like they could be epic. What's more epic though is him teaching Sandi some Bollywood dancing. Can he stay, please?
HANG ON HOLD ON, THERE'S A COOL LADY FROM YORK. Luke, step aside. She's called Kim-Joy.
The stylish Karen is from Wakefield! Some serious top county representation here, yas.
Terry is from the Lake District. Or at least I imagine he is because he's themed his biscuits that way. Bless his little lambs.
Karen has brought a packet of Squares crisps and is now chomping away after her victorious early finish while everyone else is rushing. I love her.
Antony's bake looks mega. Karen's still eating Squares... and now it's break time. Time for a sip of beer *ahem* mouthful of cake.
The mega bake up first. Prue & Paul are super impressed! What a great start.
While Karen's biscuits look cute, they weren't up to scratch. Hecc.
Kim-Joy has made some 'exquisite' biscuits & it seems like they taste that way too.
Under-baked goods for bald-dude-I-don't-know-the-name-of-yet.
French Manon smashed it. C'est genial!
Ruby has made 25 biscuits... you'd have thought she'd have eaten the extra one but apparently, she's just bad at counting.
Deary me, Dan. Damn, Dan. Nope. Same goes for Lake District Terry who produced a "rough old biscuit".
Pop star faded camo guy (name unknown) did well, & so did Imelda. Of all the biccies they look like the ones I'd go for first.
Now for Briony. 'Sunny Briony' I'll call her for this episode as she's dressed in the colour of sunshine. Oddly enough, that is yellow.
It's time for the first technical of the season: the infamous Wagon Wheel.
I say this - already discovered that Antony doesn't know what one is.
Faded camo putting Sandi in the corner - she's never had a Wagon Wheel. Well well well. Or should I say wheel wheel wheel who am I
Now I think about it I really can't imagine Sandi Toksvig eating a Wagon Wheel.
Rahul the nuclear scientist has left out a vital ingredient for making his marshmallow bit: water.
The banter is present and fresh yet awkward. Typical episode 1 shenanigans.
Everyone's dipping their biscuits in the melted choc and starting to PIPE their marshmallow. Wut.
What is bald guy doing?! I'll tell you what, 3-second-ago-self, he's massaging the chocolate onto his biscuits.
Ruby & Briony's look great. Must have formed an aura of greatness over their adjacent work stations.
And now for the judging. There's some real mixed results. Looks like R & B are going to be fighting it out for the top spot.
Camo guy is called Luke. I remember now... (nah I just got told).
Ruby in 1st & Briony in 2nd. Well deserved.
Can we just appreciate that Manon has NEVER SEEN a Wagon Wheel before and she got third place...?! As confirmed by the fact that she just called it a 'Wheely Wagon'.
Now it's the showstopper & it's a 'biscuit selfie portrait'. Can we not just say 'biscuit portrait' and avoid making many viewers including myself want to vom at the s-word? k thx bye
Prue is specifying that they DO NOT want style over substance. Gottit.
Bald guy is called Jon and he's using cinnamon & orange flavours for his BISCUIT PORTRAIT.
Briony is creating an image of her in Bristol, her hometown. That suits honestly.
Jon shall hereby be known as Sweaty Jon. Hopefully, there's a more flattering nickname to choose coming up in future episodes.
Luke is going for orange & cinnamon too but his biscuit is basically commemorating getting absolutely smashed in Vegas. Nice.
I've lost typing concentration as I've got too involved in peoples' personal tales.
Hang on a blinkin' second. Terry might pull through after all. He's going to paint a picture.
Imelda don't streeeess. She's gnarled the corner of her big biscuit.
TERRY YOU WALLY. Might rename him in my posts as Wally. It seems like he forgot to put a timer on/about his brandy snap.
Ruby just did something drastic. It involved biscuits and a bin. A bin, folks.
Kim-Joy is making something so so so cute.
OH MY GOD THESE ARE AMAZING. WOW-WEE. Surely there has to be some Paul-handshakes up for grabs (episode 1 I know but hecc there's some good stuff).
Time for criticism...
Kim-Joy's design is lovely but the biscuit needed more spice, says Prue.
Antony made gingerbread & his cinnamon came thr-ough.
I think Sweaty Jon has saved himself from elimination with a lovely PORTRAIT biscuit.
Rahul's design is so funny and weird but it tasted amazing and that's what counts.
Karen's biscuit is so frickin' cool but her rose flavouring isn't strong enough.
Now Paul has decapitated Imelda, he's attacking her biscuit too. "Bland" ain't the nicest comment in the universe.
Ruby's design is unfinished and yet again (much to Paul's amusement) her bake is dry. Oof.
Briony's creation is stunning.
Manon's biscuit... okay this is on another level. White chocolate and matcha, my dream.
TERRY! WALLY! He pulled it out of the baking bag! His painting was wonderful and because the bake tasted great too, it may be enough to save his butt.
The break is over & it's the big discussion with everything struggling to fit on one table. Having listened to it, I have no idea who's going.
Manon has won the first Star Baker! Felicitations!
Leaving us is... Imelda :( Well that is not what I expected an hour ago. Here's to next Tuesday!