72 Thoughts I Had Watching GBBO - Series 8 Episode 3

So we've no Peter, no Flowery Shirt Chris and now it's time for episode 3 (episode 2 sadly was not blogged, as 4OD loathes my existence and wouldn't play the episode on catch up). This series is FLYING by already.

1. My first thought of the episode is that my computer's loading of the Channel 4 website is around the speed of a drugged-up snail.
2. Aha! Now it's finally decided to work, and I have no idea what's going on. The action has already begun.
3. The action involves things that look like buns, possibly with currants in.
4. 30 minutes left of challenge number uno! How?! How is there only 30 minutes left... oh wait, I know why because MY LAPTOP IS A LEMON
5. Actually I apologise to all lemons everywhere because that is an insult.
6. I think Julia's taking shirt inspiration from Noel. Might be a sign of their PURE ELECTRIC CHEMISTRY (I'm shipping this so hard, can you tell). 

   

   no Rhi I definitely cannot tell, especially after you made this

7. Everyone seems relatively calm. Everyone but Steven. Interesting.
8. i n t e n s e  v i o l i n s duh duh duh duh duh duh
9. Teacakes DONE. Phew.
10. Break started, break finito, now for the inspection of the buns. Blacksmith Kate has over-baked buns, unfortunately.
11. James' buns are rather fabulous. So much so that he has received a NOEL HANDSHAKE! He says "it means nothing"... pfft.
12. Cool Liam's buns are not baked. Yikes! And Flo's been cooking her buns on too low a heat. The buns tension is rising.
13. Sophie's aren't spicy enough for Paul. Oi oi.
14. And over with Architom, he hasn't got the correct fruit distribution in his buns. Typical. 
    
15. Now for Victoria Coren. She's done fairly well, despite a poor choice of milk for her recipe. As for Julia, her buns are under-proved. Double darnit.
16. Excellent reactions for Yan's buns.
17. ALERT! ALERT! STEVEN HAS NEGATIVE BUNS! He does have a weakness (is it bad that I've been praying to see that he's bad at something so we know he's human like the rest of us).
18. I've just seen the smiley faces on the polka dots on Noel's shirt. Give me a minute so I can cry with happiness. And another one to find out how I can earn his friendship.
19. Technical Challenge Time: a cottage loaf (?!). It involves hand-made dough. That's all I understood.
20. Oooh, so quite a few bakers know how to make one of these. It'll be interesting to see if they do better than everyone else (or not). 
    
21. "Do you flour your finger?" - Prue asks all the important questions.
22. "I could oil it," says Paul. Okay, GBBO should be moved to the 2am slot, this is absolute FILTH.
23. They be making that dough. Hope they're making use of their time 'cos they'll knead it. Aha ha ha aha ha ha *cries into a loaf in shame*
24. Victoria Coren is in her natural habitat, doing academic stuff. More specifically, maths in a workbook.
25. Some ball-moulding now.
26. Okay get an X-RATING on this show immediately. Victoria has just performed a graphic demonstration of how Paul sorts out his dough, which involved sticking two fingers into it. Erm. 
    
27. Yan is a Star Wars fan. As we know from Week 1, she also likes sushi. She is slowly winning me over.
28. We've now got to the part where people watch their ovens while crouching and praying for some baked miracles. 
    
29. "Inside I'm crying". Aren't we all, James.
30. Oh noooooooooooo! Blacksmith Kate's top part of the loaf (the smaller ball) has fallen off the bottom (bigger ball). How will she ever recover?!!!?!
31. Beeping noises, more violins, Sandi yelling. The cottage loaves are done.
32. Now for the blind judging. A good review for Julia's, and even better for Victoria Coren.
33. Seeing Flo's sad face is slightly devastating. She's not done too well.
34. Liam the milkshake boy needed "more crust". Me too, Liam, me too.
35. James has wet dough.... blegh. But now it's time for Steven's. "A decent loaf," says Paul. Ya boi's pulling it back.
36. So who's third place?... Steven!
37. Second is Julia, and first iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis... is it Victoria? Yes!!! I kinda love her. Feeling proud.
38. How is the pressure feeling this high and it's only episode 3? Anyway, I've got time for a breather as there's an ad break.
39. We're back! And there's a cosy but serious discussion-filled tea party happening with the judges, Noel and Sandi. Paul notes Steven's slip from the top spot, and Prue is a fan of Flo. I'd like to imagine that they hang out now. Preferably with Mary also. 
    
40. The showstopper this week is, in simple terms, a sculpture made of colourful bread.
41. Wow. Flo is making Davy Jones' Locker for her sculpture. Awesome.
42. Kate's also opted for a similarly-themed design: the kraken. Both of these involve squid ink. Yum.
43. My screen has frozen. I can, however, hear that Julia is making a bread sculpture of fauna, including a little bread snail.
44. The visuals have returned. Victoria Coren is making an Ascot hat bake. Of course she is.
45. Meanwhile, Architom's making something involving a flower. I'm getting distracted by all the colours.
46. Second wow of the showstopper. Yan is making a bake with a magnificent sculpture and dragons. It sounds super weird but I'll pop a picture in later in this blog and you'll see what I mean (assuming it's going to be epic when it's all done... there could be a disaster as this is Bake Off after all). 
    
47. Steven is making a handbag bread sculpture. "The Bag I Knead"... okay fine, he's brought in the puns. Rhi-approved.
48. Awww Flo nooooo. Flo already thinks she's going home. And I'm pretty sure Liam the milkshake boy does as well. Noooooooo.
49. Architom is making yellow roses and they look beautiful.
50. And pink ones. I want them all. They look like they taste of sweet sweet magic.
51. FIVE MINUTES! Gosh this has all gone so fast. Yan's assembling her dragon scene. Someone's got giant mushrooms, oh it's Julia.
52. I love Flo so much. Break time!
53. And we're back. Yan's up, and Prue wanted a bigger dragon from her. Pfffft. As for the taste, it's very garlicky. I see that as a good thing, but both Paul and Prue think it's too strong.
54. James aced everything but the flavours. "Doesn't taste nice," though. That's a small burn. Just a little. 
    
55. Flavours wrong for VC too. :(
56. Oh my god. Paul has called Steven's bread bag "unbelievable". He's searching for errors. Nope, none. He's actually gone and sat down. He's admitting defeat. Paul has been defeated by a bread handbag. 

    

    and rightly so

57. "Not your best, Flo" says Prue. Noooooo. 
    
58. Kate's use of squid ink has done significantly better. Great bake. 
    
59. As for Sophie's, it's "pleasant". That's good.
60. It's Architom's flower time. Despite them looking beautiful, they don't taste great. Shame.
61. X-RATING coming into force again. Julia's snail looks, erm. Yep. 
     

    

    let's get a closer look

62. Despite the phallus element, the bake has gone down well. Pun not intended. Final break time.
63. This discussion is even more serious. I have a feeling it's something to do with the oboe music in the background. Or is it a clarinet? Or a flute? I can't tell, my mind's been clouded with the thought of someone eating that bread snail.
64. JULIA HAS STAR BAKER! YAY!
65. And Noel's announcing who's leaving this week. It's... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
66. No.
67. No no.
68. No no no no no not Flo please no.
69. :'(
70. This blog post has now become a shrine for Flo. Please send your happy memories to imreallypeevedthatsheleft@butseriouslywhattheheck.com. 
    
71. Well, until next time. I need to recover, so if you need me you'll find me re-watching episodes 1-3 and enjoying Flo's televisual company.
72. On another note, I might even have to do some yoga before the next episode to make sure I can handle the stress as, wait for it, it's caramel week. Yoinks. 
    

*Groovy images all from Google Images*